The Spira Times
by Al Bhed Girl
Summary: Spira's best and only newspaper not run by the Yevon!Today's headlines:I'm BACK!!Pleaz R&R!We at the Spira times live for reviews.
1. Blitzball star hates voice

Disclaimer:I dont own FFX but I do own the 'Spira Times'  
Blitzball star hates Voice  
  
By:Al Bhed Girl,Spira Times  
Spira--Internationally renound Blitzball star,Tidus,17,has recently complained to "E! True Hollywood   
Story" about his voice.No one knows when it all started,but a young summoner,Yuna,might have a   
clue.In an exclusive interview,she confessed to have been 'Just kidding around' about Tidus' voice.A   
young Al Bhed has said otherwise.  
  
"I heard her",says Rikku,"She was saying he screamed like a girl and how she sounded much more   
masculine than he did.Than we heard this scream--And he ran off crying.Tysh ed!Why'd he have to   
listen?"  
  
We also asked her about the recent alagations by her father about an affair with the legendary   
guardian,Auron,35,but she declined to comment.  
  
"If Yuna sound more masculine than Tidus something is definately wrong."commented Lulu.She and   
Wakka have both decided to keep out of this unless it gets them more publicity.Tidus had   
nothing to say on the subject.Some say he may be having an affair with Guado master Seymour   
to ease the pain.Why Seymour?We at the Spira times have yet to reveal his true intentions. 


	2. Al Bhed's affar

Disclaimer:I dont own FFX.Authors note:This is for Neo-2199,Tigress247 and   
Chibi ti who wanted me to write more.P.S:I hope it's funny....  
New info regarding an Al Bhed's alleged affair with   
'Legendary' Guardian.  
  
By:Al Bhed Girl,The Spira Times  
Kilika--As faithful readers of 'The Spira Times' know,we have been covering  
the affair between the 'Legendary' guardian Auron and his young-enough-to-be  
his-daughter lover Rikku for quite some time.The two slipped out of the public   
eye and have been seen together on several occasions.We sent one of our   
colleagues to investigate and get some insight from friends of the couple.He came  
back with an exclusive interview with Lulu.  
  
"I don't really get it",mused Lulu."She's just so young.I mean,no offence to Rikku,but I   
think it's just--gross!He's dead and old enough to be her father!!".Lulu also gave us   
some insight as to why he might have chose her."It's her age.Definately.Rikku's young,  
innocent.....get the picture?"We didn't get much else in the way of info from her,but we  
did get to find out where they live."In Bevelle,last I heard"  
  
We also attempted to get a small response/quote/blackmail material from Rikku,but she  
promptly told us to get the hell away from her and Auron,and to stay out of their buisness  
So,next we go to someone who will tell everything he knows.  
  
"Well,Rikku told me",Tidus grins that famous grin of his,"She's pregnant!".Thats right!You  
heard it from 'The Spira Times' first!!Rikku is pregnant with Auron's child!The name is  
undecided but it has been confermed that it is a girl.We're pulling for the name Rikki.... 


	3. Seymour Guado

Disclaimer:I dont own FFX but I do own the 'Spira Times'  
PART 1 OF 3  
Seymour Guado--Gay or really-freaky Straight man?  
  
By:Al Bhed Girl,Spira Times.  
Let's all face it--Seymour's weird.We hate him,We love  
him,but most of us hate him.And yet,have you ever stopped   
to wonder about his personal life?Well,we have,and we   
guarantee you that it isnt what most of you think.On the  
way to our first interview,we met Summoner Donna and...  
Barthello.Of course,we asked them about the Seymour issue.  
  
"He's really cute",sighes Barthello,looking dreamy eyed.  
"But...alas....not as cute as Auron....".Donna responds  
with a whack on the head.Score 1 for Donna!"Ignore HIM"  
she says with a relish."He's...on ritalin.Really"  
  
As Donna drags a semi-consious Barthello away,our next  
interview walks up behind us.We are ushered into a bar   
and sat in the corner.  
  
"What is it(hic)...you want?",he slurs,swaying slightly.  
"Umm....Sir Jecht.I'm Al bhed Girl,from the spira times"  
"Oh.(hic)Yeah.You here 'bout that Seymour girl?Eh,yeah,  
you are.Well,I think her ranks up 'ere with my son."  
"Which means...?"  
"He's Gay.100 percent..or...(hic)whatever"We left quickly  
And although we didn't see Tidus we heard him yelling about  
him hating his father.  
Today...possibly unieventful.But tommorow...well,who knows?  
This it 'The Spira Times' your talking to here.Serously. 


	4. Seymour Guado--Part 2

Disclaimer:I dont own FFX.Authors note:This is for everyone who wanted me to write more  
PART 2 of 3  
Seymour Guado--  
  
Guadolasalm--Continuing from where we last left,we came to the town of Guadolasalm,  
where everyone has the same last name and teachers must hate calling roll.Everyone here  
worships Seymour,why we haven't a clue.We entered the town normally hoping to find   
some dirt--I mean "interesting" facts on our subject.First stop--'The Seymour Guado  
Fan Club"??  
  
"I used to hate Seymour.....wait--I still do!!He's Gay!!-He's--"said a member before a   
worker at the club injected something into the back of the members neck and carted him  
away."His......medicine,yeah,thats it!His /medicine/ wore off!".We were lead into a back  
room where the lights were dim."Hello......"a voice said."Welcome to...THE SEYMOUR  
ROOM!!!".Evil maniacal laughter ensued.The lights clicked on and several life sized statues  
stared down at us and a small chair sat in the middle of them."You have come to see me,yes?"  
  
After 15 cups of coffie and 100 games of 'Which Seymour is the cutest' we realized that this  
was going nowhere,so we managed to pull the Club leader off a life sized statue of Seymour  
and excuse ourselves.We met Yuna down the street and she wouldn't tell us if he was gay or  
not,(Tidus is a lyar.He told us she was easy)she would tell us that he had a lover.His lovers   
name?  
Wakka of course.  
  
Authors notes part 2:Next article will be.....an interview with the devil himself!Ok,actually  
it's seymour,hair gel,and.....well.....the truth will come out!  
Keep R&R!We like reviews!  
(No Guado's were harmed in this article.Only the ones who tested Seymour hair gel.Stop  
Guado testing!!) 


	5. Seymour Guado--Part 3

Disclaimer:I dont own FFX but I do own the 'Spira Times'  
PART 3 OF 3  
Seymour Guado--Gay or really-freaky Straight man?  
  
By:Al Bhed Girl,Spira Times.  
Guadolasalm(again)--This is it.The Day 'The Spira Times'  
fans/readers have been waiting for.The interview with   
Seymour!!We begin by being ushered by really scary guards  
into a big room.In the middle?--Nothing but the freaky   
man himself.He sits us down and the interview begins.  
(This will be in script format)S=Seymour  
  
Me:So,Seymour,are you in a....relationship...with someone?  
Seymour:*Sigh*Just like you Al Bhed heathens to cut to the  
chase.  
Me:*looking evily a S with a forced smile*Please,sir  
answer my question.  
S:Yes,I am,and he-uhh...I mean she is a wonderful person.  
Me:You said 'he'  
S:Did not!  
Me:Did too!!!  
S:*takes out jumbo size hair gel*Whatever....  
Me:Your not allowed to use that line.  
S:Why not?*pours whole bottle on hair*  
Me:FF code part 16542b.It's Squall's line.  
S:Damn anti-social freak.*starts to mold hair*  
Me:Anyways,who is your boyfriend?  
S:It's a girl you Al Bhed idiot.  
Me:THAT'S A RACIAL SLUR YOU DAMN YEVONITE!!!!!  
S:I know.That's why I said it.  
Me:You...you....*sigh*What is HER name?  
S:Wak-Rikku.  
Me:Rikku?  
S:Rikku.  
Me:Rikku's dating Auron.  
S:..........  
Me:You are gay,aren't you?  
S:....  
Me:I was so right!!  
S:Are you happy?I'm actually cheating on Tidus with Wakka,  
I use innocent guado's to test my leathel hair gel,Yuna is  
a transvestite,Lulu had plastic sugery,And I think you cute  
even though I'm gay!!!HAPPY!!!  
Me:....Lulu had plastic surgery...?  
S:....yeah...  
*a bit of uncofortable silence*  
Me:...Which doctor did she go to--  
S:--she went to my doctor--  
Me:--get me some dirt on her--  
S:--she had a boob job--  
Me:--eveyone knows that--  
S:--oh,yeah--  
Me:--have the files in my office by friday--  
S:--you got yourself a deal.  
*.....*  
Me:How did you know Yuna was a transvestite?  
S:You don't wanna know.....  
  
Well,that was the fateful interview.Now i'm debating whether  
I should do the scoop on Yuna or Lulu first.Review and tell   
me!  
And remember--"Mr. Lazal,drink your milk"  
(Hehhehheh....video game joke) 


	6. Lulu--Plastic Sugery Miracle?

Disclaimer:I dont own FFX but I do own the 'Spira Times'  
  
Lulu--Plastic Sugery Miracle?  
  
By:Al Bhed Girl,Spira Times.  
Besiad--Lulu.We know the name and the insanely  
low cut dress.Guys drool and girl call her a slut.  
One question stands alone....was she always like  
that?  
We have the answer.  
Lets travel back a moment shall we?It all starts  
in the town of Besaid--wait,thats too far back.Sorry.  
THIS particular story starts when Lulu was the  
tender age of 11.  
  
Readers:11?!  
  
Yes 11.Now don't interupt.Lulu was a small(literally   
and in chest size)pale girl.All of her friends were   
growing up(yet again literally and in chest size).  
She felt like a little kid compared to them(once again   
in...oh,you know).So one day,after being humiliated by  
a kid *cough*Seymour*cough* in school one day,she  
ran home.But she didn't quite make it,and fell.And  
got ran over by a chocobo.  
  
Readers:Ohhh!That had to hurt!  
  
Well,anyway,she was pretty messed up.A aprentis  
plastic surgeon found her and took her to his house.  
He fixed up her face,and,for the man's perverse   
amusment,gave her a boob job.  
  
Readers:Ewww!!Pervert!!!  
  
Poor little lulu woke up on the street,but she knew  
something was different.She looked down and gasp!  
She looked just like her friends!And lulu went home  
and stole her mothers clothing.(her mom was a  
dominatrix,after all)  
And that's how lulu became a slut.  
  
Readers:Aww....*noses can be heard being blown*  
  
It's true!Ask lulu!!  
  
Readers:Is it Lulu??  
  
"My mother was a housewife.And I got my boob job when  
I was 19"  
  
Ehh..err....Well,that's what I was told,and thats  
what The Spira Times reports.Well now that we know how  
lulu became her slutty-ish self,we cal all rest a bit  
easier.  
Well,exept for me.  
  
Authors notes:Did you like?I hope so!!I know I took  
a long break,but forgive me!I was doing some   
investigating on the one they call "Auron".  
Do you know he's not listed in the phone book?He's  
harder to find than my fans!(If I have any.Ha!Joking!)  
R&R!!!For the fate of Spira!!!!  
::I am anti-yevon::  
(anyone want to make a clique outa that?We may be   
sentenced as traitors,but at least were in it together!  
Right?  
*Silence*{I'll join if you do.A world famous author!  
Once again,Joking}) 


	7. Secritive?Loner?Who knows--International...

Disclaimer:I dont own FFX but I do own the 'Spira Times'  
  
Secretive?Loner?Who knows--The international Man of  
Mystery.  
  
By:Al Bhed Girl,Spira Times.  
Luca--He's not in the phone book.Don't try to lie and  
say he is.It took me forever to get a little bit of info  
on the man!Anyway,he's secretive and he's dead.If you   
can't guess it now,your a sad individual.Ok,it's Auron.  
Sheesh.  
  
Besides the being "dead" thing,you think he'd be   
proclaimed as a hero.But you cant even find out where he  
was born.No birthdate,no nothing.I was gonna change all  
that.  
  
I set out on day one,notebook in one hand and tape   
recorder in the other.(Plus some grenades in case I  
encountered some hostility)First stop--The spira hall of  
lots and lots of records.I found his birthdate:8-12,but  
no year or parents.Apparently he's an orphan.....So,I   
decided to see the man himself.  
  
I entered the Farplane in Guadosalam.And as much as I   
hoped this would bring some answers,there were none.  
I now call him the international man of mystery.Even if  
you try,the most you can get is his bithday.But I wont  
give up!He'll hear from me again!!!I will know   
everything!  
  
But not right now.Me 'n Rikku are playing 'Who can  
steal from O'aka first'  
  
Authors notes:That one turned out horrible!!  
....::I am still anti-Yevon:: 


	8. The Secret about Yevon

Disclaimer:I dont own FFX but I do own the 'Spira Times'  
WARNING:If you are touchy about hitler or you love the   
Yevon stay as far away from this chapter as possible!This  
is not ment to offend(well,exept for the Yevon)!Please--  
Don't sue or get my account deleted.I'll build you a  
Machina.Or write you a story.Ok?  
  
Yevon--Hitler Followers?  
  
By:Al Bhed Girl,Spira Times.  
  
Hitler.Yevon.Think about it for a minuet.Both Dictator  
ships.I happened to stumble on that idea when I was   
writing last issues article.Being the Reporter you know  
and love,(You do,don't you?)I felt that the conspiracy  
had to be revealed.  
  
So here it is!  
  
As much as you hate to(but I love to)believe,the  
Yevon is a district of the 'Hitler Inc.'--a corparation  
that suplies the nessesary tools to be a dictator.They  
send out little booklets(Ten ways to have a sucsessful  
dictatorship)and weird MATCHING costumes with a little  
number on the back.Than they pick a mentally screwed  
individual to be their 'Poster boy' and the afore   
mentioned'Poster boy'goes out to get more mindless   
twits.  
  
Copies of the books "How a sucsessful Dictator can work  
for you!" and "Picking the best Pawns in your world  
domonation scheme" were found around temples.Summoners  
Were outraged to hear this sad(read:hilarious)discovery.  
"I...Can't...believe...it.."Says Summoner Yuna,outside  
of Besaid temple today."It's...so........COOL!"  
Yeah,Right.The Al Bhed have siezed two temples(Now Rikku  
and Rin temples,respectively)and proclaimed Yevon is   
dead.Seymour packed up his hair gel and fled.  
  
With the Yevon gone and the Al Bhed taking over,the question  
remains--Do you wish to start a new yevon or come to  
the Al Bhed?  
*Throws grenades at old Yevon Temples*  
Hehhehheh....  
*Throws one at Maester Kinoc...AND IT LANDS!*  
HAHAHA!!!  
Oops.....Well,happy deciding!  
  
Authors note:No offence taken?Good.  
*hugs Luzzu plushie*Well...R&R!!  
::I am really,swear to the Al Bhed,Anti-Yevon::  
::E cibbund dra [Al Bhed]::  
P.s:Rammu!Tuac yhouha cbayg [Al Bhed]?Yhouha?Rarrar....  
Famm,fryd e's cyoehk ec dryhgc vun naytehk yht ouin   
cibbund!!Yht fneda suna [Luzzu] yht [Gatta]cduneac!  
Bayla!  
[Al Bhed] Kenm  
*Rikc Miwwi bmicrea* 


	9. Yunalesca--Firstlady of Yevon?

Disclaimer:I dont own FFX but I do own the 'Spira Times'  
  
Yunalesca--First Lady of Yevon?  
  
By:Al Bhed Girl,Spira Times.  
  
It seems to me Yevon hasn't given up yet.That's  
right--they've elected a "First Lady" of the "New Yevon"  
Seriously folks,I wish I was joking.Lady Yunalesca gets  
to parade around in weird but fancy outfits and preach   
about Yevon.Gag me.  
  
"I love this new job",she said on Sunday,"It's beter   
than what I was doing previously"  
  
Uh huh.Yeah.And what was were you doing previously?  
  
"Err....I'm not aloud to repeat that information"  
  
And so I thought.Anyway,She will be touring Spira in  
a sad attempt to convert every last living soul back to  
the Yevon.With her will be mindless devotant #1(shelinda)  
and mindless devontant #2(Tromell).  
  
A recent poll of summoners say that over half WILL NOT  
convert back.Why?As one new summoner,Sakura,put it:  
"They dress funny"  
  
::Anti-Yevon Forever:: 


	10. Aprentis Summoner Sakura defeats Yuna

Disclaimer:I don't FFX but I own the Spira times  
  
New Summoner Defeats Yuna  
Yuna deeply ashamed  
  
By:Al Bhed Girl,Spira Times  
Djose--Like every year,new summoners come to chalenge   
Lady Yuna,the current High Summoner.Every year,the  
chosen one always looses.But--To this reporters suprise,  
the Chosen one actually won!Aprentice Summoner Sakura,  
equiped with the Arc Arcana,defeated Yuna in one hit.  
Sakura's Aeon,Shiva,took out Yuna's Magus sisters with  
Heavenly Strike.Heres what Sakura has to say on this subject.  
  
"I'm....amazed.Whan I started to study to become a summoner,  
I was told no one has ever beat Miss Yuna.But...I have!"  
  
Yuna was distraught and proceded to scream and rip out her hair.  
Sakura is now a full fledged summoner,and although she isn't high   
summoner yet,she's confident.  
  
"If I can beat miss Yuna,I'll be High Summoner in no time!"  
  
She was rewarded with the Aeons the Magus sisters,a Phoneix ring and  
the Seraphim Rod.  
  
She Begins her Pilgramage on thursday.We're rooting for ya! 


	11. Clasko goes mental

Disclaimer:I own the Spira times.Not FFX.  
  
Chocobo Breeder goes on rampage  
Some say from mental trauma  
  
By:Al Bhed Girl,Spira Times  
Calm Lands--Clasko,world renound chocobo breeder,went  
(for lack of better word)mental on tuesday,after a   
chocobo kicked him in the head.  
  
"He was feedeing one and it--POW!!--kicked him in the  
head!His eyes got all buggy and and he started attacking  
the chocobo!"  
  
Clasko was shot with tranqilizer darts 15 times before  
he went down.Apparently he was muttering something about  
"Chocobo burgers" and had a knife with him.Clasko was  
sentinced to 15 years in the Luca prison for attempted  
murder on a chocobo and wasting valuable tranquilizer  
darts.He will be elligible for bail,but Lucille thinks  
he scary and will "Leave him in there until he rots"  
  
Authors not:I'm baaaack!!Heh,writers block sucks.  
::Anti-Yevon Forever:: 


	12. sad individuals

The good,the bad,-and the downright repulsive-:  
The sad individuals who influenced Spira.  
  
By,Al Bhed Girl(Ta da!!I'm back!!!)  
  
It's been awhile,hasn't it,folks?Well,me,your beloved reporter extrordinare,has been traveling  
all over Spira in search of stories.  
And I got a whole bunch.  
So lets start off,shall we?  
I first decided(after looking at the people of Spira after sin and  
.....seymour)That tons of sad,sorry individuals have influenced spira in  
a negative way.And who were they?That's why i'm writing this!  
  
First up:  
All of Yevon(I mean everone....yes,YOU)  
Now we all should've know they were gonna be on here.I mean,come on!  
They made us deal with Wakka and his preaching crap!  
Anyway....  
The "teachings of yevon"(that was said sarcastically)gave us:  
6)Shelinda's hat(It's......weird)  
5)Seymour(No comment)  
4)Thousands upon thousands of mindless devotees(one word:SHELINDA)  
3)Shelinda(See above)  
2)Ugly clothing(Umm....yeah)  
  
And..........  
1)THEMSELVES!!!!(........)  
Yes,the horrible influences of yevon will never die.....  
(Well,unless we kill them)  
  
Next is:  
Seymour  
This really is a no brainer!The man is just.....ugh....  
  
Authors note:I know this was rather....short.....but never fear!I will be   
writing more!(This is the part where you cheer)  
Oh,and check out my blog at:http://typicalgirl.blogspot.com  
And Remember:  
::Anti-Yevon Forever:: 


End file.
